I don’t know where we’re going, but I know where we’ve been;

In this life I’ve led in the past 21+ years, I haven’t done and seen a lot of things. I remember things that I have done as if someone else was living my life, and I just watched it happen. I’ve wandered through my life having an extended out of body experience, it feels like that anyway. All of the memories I have seem to feel as if I am the bystander to my own experiences. In this odd form of nostalgia that I am just realizing exists in my life, I find a lot of things that I wish I could change, but also many many things that are beautiful and heartbreaking, but at their purest moment, those experiences are peace. 

The purity of a peaceful moment is hard to grasp for me, maybe because I’m still not ready to look at the past with that lens. Life is weird, it’s strange, and gripping, and unbelievably unexplainable. There is not one way I can think of that would describe what life is or what it means. I often wonder if there is a reason I stay awake long evenings wondering where I am going or where I’ve been, and how to be better for myself. All of this mystery and wonder and even pain all lend a hand to the bigger picture of what my life will be. I have been wondering lately what I want out of my life, and where I want to go. 

Sometimes I wish I would have waited to go to college, because it’s not what I wanted, I wanted to be able to see things that I had never known or understood. Instead, I stayed in North Dakota, just like I said I wouldn’t do, and I got comfortable. 

I drove to New Jersey almost two years ago with a few friends of mine, and realized how closed off my life here is. That experience, now, seems so out of body, so distant. Did I actually do something so insane and spontaneous? I travelled 1,400 miles to see one band play for an hour. I had never had an experience that changed my heart and soul so much. Seeing music played mere feet from the ocean, and feeling all of the people around you having the same transcendental experience is something that changes people. Hearing Jesse Lacey sing the words, “Well Jesus Christ I’m alone again, so what did you do those three days you were dead? ‘Cause this problem’s gonna last more than the weekend,” made me wonder what the hell I was doing in my life. In that moment I knew that I wanted to live a life where I met people, and talked to them about their lives, where they came from, and who they wanted to be. I realized that I didn’t want to have only the weather to talk about, and I didn’t want to live in a place where the only thing people care about is god and guns. 

I realized in that moment that I needed to make a change, but to this day, I have not made a change. I am stuck in school, doing something I don’t love. I am stuck paying back student loans I’ll never be able to afford in a profession that will leave me emotionally drained day after day. 

Then I think, is this life continuous? Is there fluidity in the span of a person’s time on earth? Or does it happen like a book, chapter after chapter, where each one starts a fresh idea or starts in a new place? 

None of this made any sense, but I am sure that one day, it will make sense, if there is justice in life, those lost souls will find places to call home, and there will be one of those moments, the pure moment where peace is found within yourself. 

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